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this is for Abbie and Charlie

February 22, 2005
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Originally uploaded by rockmother.

I’m putting this picture up for my dear friend Abbie. I am going to America to see her on Thursday. She has been suffering and heroically living with brain cancer for the last five to six years. Last week she was told she had between 2-8 weeks to live – final. The horrible cancer found its way into one of her main ventricles and then transported itself via the brain and spinal fluid throughout the brain, into her brain stem and now onto the top of her spine. There really is no hope left which is awful. It is made much worse by the fact she has defied all medecine and prognoses so far although now we all have to put our hands up and give in to it.

I’ve put this picture up for Abbie and Charlie (her 4 year old gorgeous son) because Abbie loves Kew Gardens and loves spring which is exactly where and when I took this photo. Even though Abbie is still thankfully here and miraculously still able to hold a conversation I am rather selfishly panicking about how much I am going to miss her. I’ll miss her infectious laugh and encouraging wisdom. I’ll miss her hilarious attempt at opera singing and will miss her fabulously descriptive and often very old fashionedly witty letters and repartee. I guess I’ll just have to imagine she is somewhere else and that we will somehow get to meet again at some point.

I hope her brain holds out in time for my arrival on Thursday. Something tells me she is hanging on and I am trying to prepare myself for a shock as she can no longer eat or move much.

I’m actually quite annoyed with myself that I am worried about how I am feeling or are going to feel. I will have words with myself shortly to be strong and there for Abbie, that’s the least I can do. I know she is very scared to die and is not ready to go. I can not imagine how she must feel.

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