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out of sorts

March 17, 2005

Feeling very restless and jittery at the moment…….and also very lucky. Can’t write much about this as it is all very serious. Spoke with Abbie and her mum Sally yesterday. Terrible, awful, horrid. She has deteriorated significantly since we last spoke three days ago and is on morphine every hour. We actually had a great chat but I felt like she was leaving me and shouting down a tunnel I would never get to the bottom of. It was hard. She was desperatly trying to talk properly through the morphine and we just kept saying I love you, I love you too – what else is there to say? She rambled off a few times but was still there. It won’t be long now – I felt as if she had crossed over and I was talking to her on the other side. I felt if I could just reach out my hand she would grab it and I could pull her back. I said goodbye which I really didn’t want to do and then marched around the house like an angry frustrated child just thinking it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair. I don’t even hate anyone enough to wish it was them and not Abbie I just wish she wasn’t ill and going to die. I rather selfishly will miss her so very much. I told her to wait for me, I’m coming back I said. Good she said, I will, but I know she has almost gone already. Please think of Abbie and wish her well.

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