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Blokes on Buses

July 7, 2006

Had to get the bus back to Richmond from Chiswick as the tube was shut. I didn’t really mind as I was a little tipsy and quite like getting the last bus home as you can eavesdrop on random (usually drunken) conversations. I sat at the top in front of recently split-up-from-partner bloke and sad single bloke friend who was imparting ‘relationship advice’ to his newly single workmate. Apparently Jan wants all his stuff out of the flat – well, it has been there 6 weeks and he did leave her because he wanted to try and go out with Sarah who is already in a relationship. Don’t blame her really. He couldn’t see what the fuss was all about. He said he thought she was being unreasonable and well, really petty. Apparently, Robert in the office who used to go out with her said he thought this guy was a ‘saint’ for taking her on as she’s ‘really high maintenance’. ‘You did the right thing’ said friend. ‘Do you know Laura? Pashmina?’ Quizzical look from newly single guy. ‘She’s the really busty one that always wears a pashmina so we call her Pashmina’. ‘Oh yeah, yeah’. ‘Well I think she really fancies me but apparently she’s a bit hard work from what I’ve heard’. On and on they droned. I taped their whole conversation on my mobile phone. Will transcribe more gems later. Pashmina fancier was desperately trying to get newly single guy to move nearer him – he was obviously lonely. He even offered him space to store his stuff. Newly single guy asked him if it was ‘safe. Safe from elements? Single now rather affronted guy said ‘YES it’s a dry loft, fully insulated, it’s a proper roof and everything. Newly single: ‘oh right, cheers mate yeah I might do that. I really don’t know what I’d have done without all you lot like everyone at work has really been on my side. I feel sorry for Jan but I had to do it, there wasn’t any other way to do it really. I really want everyone to meet her. Single guy: ‘I’d really like to meet her’. We should do that. Newly single: ‘I think you’d really get on.’

You can see how this is going can’t you?! I bet Single will end up going out with Newly Single’s Ex – Jan and Newly Single will probably chuck himself into Pashmina’s ample bosom and hopefully the carefully stored loft items can be un-packed somewhere else and dusted off for another office relationship somewhere off Twickenham Green.

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  1. First Nations permalink

    and this illustrates precisely why i dont go in for drama television…its going on all around you. i have a life. …and if you are very quiet and try to be unobservable, other people do too!

  2. Jag permalink

    That’s not drama – that’s comedy. Hilarious!

  3. Istvanski permalink

    I once witnessed a guy speaking to two drunkards on a bus in broad daylight! They were having an argument about music, the two drunkards claiming that they were ex-members from 60’s pop combo "Hedgehoppers Anonymous" (who were managed by modern day nonce Jonathan King).<br/><br/>BLOKE: "You can’t play music like you hear it at a funeral, you have to play it like Sam Cooke."<br/><br/>DRUNKEN HEDGEHOPPER: "Sam Cooke? What’s he doing tomorow? Bacon?"<br/><br/><br/>The whole of the top deck erupted into laughter.

  4. rockmother permalink

    Ha ha ha – that’s funny. Hm…Jonathan King hey? Hedgehoppers – more like hedge cottagers! I interviewed Jimmy Pursey last year for a possible documentary project – he suddenly started blurting out loads of stuff about the Walton Hop and Jonathan King – dodgy, dodgy stuff. Pursey had to cancel his tour when JK went to trial as he was a witness.

  5. Istvanski permalink

    I saw Sham 69 a couple of Christmasses ago, they put on a great show, Pursey still has an edge to him. It was a shame that his recent re-working of his song "Hurry Up Harry" was never taken seriously with regards to England’s World Cup campaign. It would’ve sounded great on the terraces!<br/><br/>I remember reading about King’s involvment at the Walton hop…reminded me of that XTC song "Life begins at the Hop"…ouch!

  6. Robert A. Swipe permalink

    "Apparently, Robert in the office who used to go out with her said he thought this guy was a ‘saint’ for taking her on as she’s ‘really high maintenance’."<br/><br/>Just for the record, she really IS high maintenance. (Well, unless she’s right and it really is established practice for blokes the land over to indulge in oral foreplay "…..down there…."(wherever that is!)before we get to dip our wicks. For a start, it certainly doesn’t sound very hygienic if you ask me. Bloody cheek. Who does she think she is? Sophie "Bloody" Anderton????<br/><br/>p.s. I wish my colleagues wouldn’t bandy this stuff about on the bus like that. Anyone could be listening (not to mention taping it on their mobile phones in a Gene Hackman stylee…)

  7. rockmother permalink

    Ooh I knew it was THAT Robert. Swipe, you’re such a slut!

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