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Pass Me Another Spam Fritter Please

November 21, 2007

No, on second thoughts – hold the spam – just take all my bank details and my NI no as well while you are at it. It’s ok – it’s a free-for-all courtesy of some fantastically inept and bumbling buffoon in the government that thought he/she/it/plankton would chance it by sending out top security data via non-top security means. Not even the sniff of a recorded delivery. Oh no! What? It didn’t arrive? Never mind – only 25 million people’s details on there…….sort-code and account number, address, that sort of thing. No worries – we’ll send another copy – we’ll send it recorded this time – just in case. Could you let me know if you can be bothered to get a signature for it? Oh, I see – most of the people who work for your establishment can’t read or write yet let alone speak intelligably? No wonder it didn’t get there the first time. Oh well. Let me know if it turns up won’t you. And then I get this….

Dear Honest Friend, My name is Ms. Margaret Krissie I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 58 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 3 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgive me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour. I decided to WILL/donate the sum of US$7,500,000 (Seven Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives are around me and my health status. I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware I have changed my will and he will arrange the transfer of the funds from my account to you. But this fund is in a bonded state with an irrevocable comprehensive insurance cover, as a security measure against my husband relatives. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Contact my lawyer with this specified Email Address: – { } and tell him that I have WILLED US$7,500,000 (Seven Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) to you by quoting my personal reference number E-Morgan and Associates EM/EG/WILL/092514131209 and I have also notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work. I know I don’t know you but I have been directed by God to do this. Thanks and God bless. NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last wish. And Also I will be contacting with you by email as I don’t want my relation or anybody to know because they are always around me. Best Regards, Ms. Margaret Krissie.


So you are not that ill that you can’t sit there going cross-eyed on e mail spamming people all day but you are too ill to take calls Margaret? Well, I tell you what. Most of the mothers in this country – a fair few amount of them single mothers have now been exposed to possible identity theft of a much greater kind than you are suggesting. $7.5M is the least of our worries! And while you are at it – hurry up and die – it won’t be a day too soon scumbag.

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  1. Istvanski permalink

    Steady on Roster. Margaret’s alright…she’s a lumberjack.

  2. Istvanski permalink

    Sorry. That wasn’t even funny. The ghost of Graham Chapman made me do it.

  3. Margaret Krissie permalink

    Oi! I sent that to you in confidence, now I’m going to have to change the Will again and find some other sucker… oops, I meant God Fearing greedy bastud… oops.<br/><br/>By the way, I’m still in Hong Kong and getting really bored – have you checked Flickr lately? Sent the Bat a nice card though.

  4. Jimmy Page's Trousers permalink

    If you’re not going to reply to that email, do you mind if I do? I could use some easy cash to continue my charitable work.

  5. paddy permalink

    ….. if you ask me those details are with the "specials" to see what the ordinary Joe’s are up to in their financial dealings … where the tax and C’s could make a little extra to help pay the 40bn it just guaranteed Northern Rock, and other back-breaking debts that may just topple the worlds ecomomy if they don’t get a grip on it sharp like. Conspiracy?<br/>I would put anything past the B……’s Would trust Darling with a name like that alone.<br/>Who’s Margaret Krissie, maybe I could ease her journey.<br/>Y;-)<br/>PS: I have to go, there’s a van strangely parked outside my house; you can’t be too careful these days.

  6. Howesy permalink

    Oh my,<br/>the Lord sure works in mysterious ways.<br/>What a shitty day it’s been today, 25 million of us discover that the most important details we have, have been mis-laid by some shitty little civil-servant and that it’s taken 10 shitty months for them to think to tell us, by which time 25 million people’s credit ratings could have been shafted by some shitty little scumbag from Peckham with only a computer and a pen and paper.<br/>And then fucking Margaret gets cancer.<br/>I’m just about ready to give up…

  7. Mmmmm, that spam looks delicious. It’s the colour I think. Sorry about Margaret

  8. llewtrah permalink

    There was a spoof advert on ebay for those disks (it has been removed now). It said any Govt or HMRC bods bidding would have to prove they were capable of looking after the disks and not losing them!

  9. rockmother permalink

    Ister – Margaret’s was once Michael and is obviously just seeking attention!<br/><br/>Margaret – oh yes – was that the one about the penis extension or cialis?<br/><br/>Jimmy Pages Troosers – feel free – Margaret probably can buy your id for a fiver on ebay thanks to the government numptie fuckers. AND AND – did you see that the Head of the Tax Office has been suspended on full pay pending a full pension package deal. WHAT A CUNT! (Pardon me – Margaret made me say that word).<br/><br/>Padster – yes – I know what you mean Padders. Keep taking the Segelegewegeline ;-)<br/><br/>Howeser – I know – she’s such an inconsiderate cow that Marge!<br/><br/>Dickley – I suppose you are allowed to like Spam if the fancy takes you. I wish it was Margaret Thatcher – that would make the day a bit better!<br/><br/>Llewtrah – hah! very good x

  10. I really do enjoy a bit of spam in moderation. Fried in batter a l’ecosse.

  11. Buy Viagra permalink

    you know when I realized why "spam" was call it in this way, I laughed so much, I mean I don’t know who was the person who propused this name, but that person is so smart.

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