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Innovations Anyone?

May 12, 2008

I have had one of those days surrounded by newspapers and all the extraneous detritus that fall out of them. Firstly, a supplement that towards the back pages was advertising the most revolting cuckoo clock ever to be invented – this:


I would love to know how many they actually sell – I mean – they are hideous. A speedometer-style clock face complete with counter (although I am not sure what it counts) and instead of the humble cuckoo you get a motorcycle that revs out of it’s little house on the hour each and every hour. Who invents these things? More importantly – who buys these things? And they are £100 quid! Not cheap but apparently ‘collectible’. My attention then turned to easylife catalogue which really is a re-vamped Innovations Catalogue that used to be such a source of inspiration and shame when one’s parents actually bought something from it:

“Clever and space-saving concertina shoe-tidy”

“Special-bending ladder for those awkward high jobs”

“Pain-saving Electro-Magnetic Bunion Corrector”

I saw this in it today –


a really horrible piece of furniture that claims to ‘save space’ but just makes your living room look more cluttered if you ask me by stuffing all your tv guides and Razzles in the side bits. The wide-fitting bunion corrector shoes made me really laugh for some reason. Lift up lid for easy access and roller glide wheels


Ugh! It’s horrible. But wait, look, it’s Puzzle Kaddy!


Sorry – I would love to come over and stop you from killing yourself but I’m afraid I am half way through my 1000 piece Changing Of the Guard Collectors Edition jigsaw. Well it’s taken me ages and I really want to finish it. Actually, hang on – I can use my marvellous Puzzle Kaddy – I’ll be there in a jiffy!


You even get a nice blonde lady to carry it for you – attractive, lightweight and fully portable!

I could go on but I won’t.

And now for some proper culture – for those who missed The Bard Of Salford on Radio 4 last week – a nice little 30 minute ode to John Cooper Clarke – the man who should be poet laureate – you can listen again here. I can not believe he remains unpublished. Surely someone like Faber or Canongate would be interested in publishing his work? It’s a shame the show is presented by Paul Morley as I don’t think he comes across that well and a little smug perhaps…? Nevertheless, it is worth a listen if you have the time.

And lastly – what did you dream last night?

For weeks I have been plagued by terrifying and repetitive dreams of big spiders attacking me – real pain – always biting me on my arm and jumping at me. Really awful. Last night I had a welcome break but just as potty – I dreamed I was Tour Manager for The Damned’s European Tour. God it was hard work. I kept losing the band and then it was in and out of hotel after hotel and lots of lounging around in bedrooms getting stoned. Captain Sensible kept making me smoke dope and made everyone late all the time. I tried to tell him off – only to be offered another joint. Hilarious.

Finally, I predict this track Harmonia by Shortwave Set off their debut Replica Sun Machine album (out tomorrow) could be a big summer hit:

Nighty night pop pickers.

Catch my Listen With Rockmother podcasts here.

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  1. savannah permalink

    OMG! you haven’t seen the best <i>innovation</i> yet! yes, here it is:<br/><br/><a href=’′ rel=’nofollow’>thw aqua globe</a> if the link works, it has sound, too! yep, my mother’s day gift from my mother-in-law1 bless her heart!

  2. rockmother permalink

    Savmarshmamamama – I watched the whole demo – wow that IS a proper innovation! My mother once bought us an olive boat – which is basically an extremely impractical unbelievably narrow bowl for displaying olives in a line – and – to accompany it a very very narrow wooden chopping board which was apparently for chopping baguettes! Ha ha ha – I feel really bad but the olive boat went to charity and we used the baguette board as winter fuel for the fire once it got really cold! Consequently we generally avoid serving olives OR baguette when she comes round in case she asks why we aren’t using the really handy receptacles!! NOT!

  3. Istvanski permalink

    I don’t need jigsaws, I’m easily pleased. Give me bubble wrap.

  4. Planet Mondo permalink

    The Innovations catalogue is so addictive, – a personal fave was the ‘cat startler’ a fake cat shoved in a bush to shoo away predatory pussies. <br/><br/>How about this though <a href=’’ rel=’nofollow’>’The BlueBook of Quality Merchandise 1970′ </a>plenty of shock horror shopping

  5. Momentary Madness permalink

    You???ll have to give up that light reading it???s weighing you down.<br/>You are funny. (I bet you???re a undercover catalogue promoter)<br/>Couldn???t get the divShare to play, but I???ll come back when the server???s not too busy.<br/>That spider thing – just a guess – are you worried about something on the maternal side; something that (wants to get your attention) you may be overlooking, or sweeping under the carpet – so to speak. <br/>Perhaps you may be having a hard time controlling or getting a handle on. (hang on if I keeping on going I???m bound to hit something ha.) but that???s the way with dreams very difficult to work out.<br/>Now making you smoke .. That was the good part;-) <br/>Anyway you???ll be damned if you don???t get sensible quick;-) 😉 😉

  6. Thank you so much rockmere. It so happens that I tripped over my Pain-saving Electro-Magnetic Bunion Corrector the other day and all the pieces fell to the bottom of my Puzzle Kaddy. The Consumer Protection Act of 1987 doesn’t seem to cover it. Any suggestions?

  7. Billy permalink

    I used to have a long-lived obsession with the Innovations catalogue, even though I knew it was full of high-tech dreck.<br/><br/>I wish it still existed.

  8. rivergirlie permalink

    how can cooper clark possibly not be published? that is completely nuts! especially when you compare his work to the appalling doggerel of benjamin zephaniah!

  9. Annie permalink

    Innovations is marvellous, seeing all those things you never realised you needed. Capitalism at its finest. <br/><br/>RoMo, I am concerned about your spider dreams. Have you been at the Stilton again?

  10. Relax everybody…problem solved! I have one of the older Eastern European models…the ones with disputed borders? and it kept getting snagged on the bunion reduction option. A man is on his way round to change the settings.

  11. Piley permalink

    Great post! Remember the single ‘big slipper’ for keeping your tootsies nice n warm??! I seem to remember Billy Connoly sugesting that you buy two and leave them by the fire to put off burglars!<br/><br/>I also remember a genius idea of slippers with a mini torch in the toes! Labelled up something like "now you will always be able to see in the night"… not really though, as all you’ll see is a poorly lit bit of carpet, you’ll still walk into everything else!<br/><br/>Piley

  12. Axe Victim permalink

    Good stuff. I was laughing out loud all the way to the question about dreams and stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t remember last nights dream from being so blocked. Bugger!

  13. chazza permalink

    Romo: Resist the temptation. Step away from the cat:don’t even look. <br/><br/>You are far too young. .What are you doing lookin at this lot of OAP goods for those carefree days? lol<br/><br/>My Dad just looked and now…Its my Dads wonderland of retirement purchasing goods. . x x

  14. rockmother permalink

    Oh dear – I have got a bit behind haven’t I?<br/><br/>Isterness – pop pop pop pop pop pop<br/><br/>Mr Mondo Bongo – oy vey! The cat startler – and those awful Peters and Lee style wraparound glasses for allergy sufferers (and people who want to bump into things all the time!)<br/><br/>Momo Madster – yes – horrible big hairy beige spiders with big jaws sinking into my arm – always the same arm too the bastards. I think I was feeling insecure and was instigating the dreams myself as I always get panicky when it gets warmer as I know we will suddenly get big spiders in the house and kept thinking of it as I went up the stairs to bed. I think it is called paranoia/phobia/bonkersness. I used to smoke a lot of weed – I love the smell of it now but haven’t had any for over 5 years. Just as well as it makes me really super hyper as opposed to mega-mellow. Weird that.<br/><br/>Darling Dickley – ha ha – you need the SuperSwiftSuckerUpperNozzlerWinder. That should do it.<br/><br/>Billster – I know – compulsive toilet reading!<br/><br/>Rivergirlie – I know! Shall we start a petition?! xx<br/><br/>Annie – spiders – insecurity and tiredness coupled with deep fear/paranoia of being crawled over by one in my sleep! Was grinding my teeth really badly too!<br/><br/>Piley – ha ha – yes – the Monoslipper! Hilarious. What about a monoslipper and headtorch combo for those emergency night-time visits to the loo! Ha ha.<br/><br/>Mr Axminster – there is something for everyone in Innovations I tell you! I miss smoking dope – never say never<br/><br/>Chazza – he he – I wouldn’t DREAM of buying anything from easylife or Innovations – shoot me first! xx

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