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Quelle Surprise! Quelle Horreur!

October 11, 2008

I got a letter today (oh boy)! It was from my pathetic pension company Lincoln Assurance – oh I feel so assured thank you. Not. Only yesterday I was surmising that my pension must be a bit buggered considering that I knew the aforesaid pension company is US owned and based on ‘slow moving commodities’ Doh! Big doh! Anyway – guess what the letter said? Yes – you guessed right.

Sorry – due to there being no money left your monthly pension payment needs to go up – that way we can possibly recoup some of your money that we have squandered over the years and eventually tell you that it has not performed when you are old and ready to retire only to realise that you can’t.

Actually – it was much worse than that – it really said –

due to an ‘error’ it appears that your premiums have not been automatically increased by 7.5% per annum which they should have been since you took out the policy. We have identified that a number of these increases have been missed, which you may have also noticed from the annual mailings and statements we send you (er..no.). Please accept our apologies for this. (So you are admitting that it is your error then?). To correct this we will reinstate the automatic increase from the next policy anniversary in 2009. The level at which your premium will increase is not yet known (why not?) and so we will let you know this nearer the time. If you do not wish us to reinstate the increase then please complete the enclosed reply slip and return to us in the pre-paid envelope. (So I have a choice – then? Oh whoopee.)

Not that I am paranoid or anything but:
(a) they have been trusted with my money every month for the last 12 years

(b) if they have made ‘an error’ then shouldn’t they be compensating me for loss of pension performance/revenue to date?
(c) do they think I was born fucking yesterday? It appears they have a massive shortfall to correct due to the current nonsense world money meltdown situation and are possibly using this ‘ploy’ to recoup the money back in a sort of mini bail-out plan
(d) I will get to the bottom of this and they will become tired of speaking to me
(e) how do I get my hands on the little money I have invested in my idiot pension over the last 12 years with these buffoons?

This is all I have to say to them:

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(photo: courtesy of Big Al Davies – ukelele player extraordinaire to the stars)

I’m off to my dearly beloved most favourite person ever Godfather’s memorial/scattering/wake tomorrow – I may be gone for some time. Hit me for six if truth be known. I’m dreading it. Here is a picture of us at Chessington Zoo when I was nearly two (ish). I remember everything about it – it was a cold winter’s day and that was my favourite coat but I didn’t like having my hood up and I kept grabbing Chris’s eye sockets because he was the tallest man in the world – and the best. He will be so missed.

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Chris Heneghan Always My Favourite 1945 – 2008

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11 Comments
  1. Momentary Madness permalink

    Pensions are strange things and you???d wonder why when the powers that be know it can be one of the most expensive times in a persons like. You would imagine strict regulation would be the order of the day.<br/><br/>Hope all goes OK at the wake- sad bet it can be a nice time too- remembering the person.<br/>(I???m not very good with words in these situations)

  2. rockmother permalink

    Thanks Momo.<br/><br/>I think they threw out the rulebook and shifted all the goalposts a while ago. Thank you re: wake – it will be lovely and hard all at once. I just looked at that picture again – I look like a fluffy blue kaola bear made out of pastry dough!

  3. Geoff permalink

    I spoke to my financial adviser about my personal pension yesterday and he wasn’t exactly his usual chipper self. "It’s gridlock," he said. Cash is supposed to be king at a time like this but who knows where your money’s safe?<br/><br/>I wish I’d bought vintage bottles of wine instead, then at least I could get pissed.<br/><br/>Nobody ever carried me on their shoulders when I was a tiddler. When did it become the fashion?

  4. I’ve been to three funerals this year rockmum. Not bragging or anything. All people born in the forties….like me. Stay solvent.

  5. Arabella permalink

    Wine, art, vintage frocks….anything these greedy c….s can’t gamble away. <br/><br/>I hope the wake goes….well, you know, like a good wake. Sound like it was fun and good having him in your life, and that’s a great photo!

  6. Planet Mondo permalink

    RM hope <a href=’http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5-fiY3JFNZI’ rel=’nofollow’>this</a> puts a spring back in your step

  7. oyebilly permalink

    ‘Twas Nigel Lawson who deregulated pensions if I recall correctly, so blame him.<br/><br/>If you need any pension advice email me; I’m no expert but I do have a bit of knowledge.

  8. llewtrah permalink

    My employer took a "pensions holiday" and used its cash for other things. Now there’s a shortfall, guess who has to make it up? The employees, not the employer. grrr.

  9. savannah permalink

    hugs for you, sugar, after the wake. like dh, i’m a 40’s kid…a real ’49er. be well, sugar. from the heart/szaw

  10. Piley permalink

    bummer… still look on the bright side, by the time us lot get there, pension age will be up to about 85 anyway. I’m fully expecting to be carted out of my desk in a box…<br/><br/>Funny enough, I DID buy Cappys ‘Revolution Now’ CD, and it is an absolute blinder!!<br/><br/>P

  11. rockmother permalink

    Dickley – yep – lots of my parents friends are popping off – all c. 1938-1945-ers. Dreadful. I have only just realised how lonely you can get when you are old when all your friends start dropping off their respective perches.<br/><br/>Arabellakins – thank you – he was a free spirit – drove hippy buses to India and afghanistand in the early 60’s, was a brilliant architect and loved motorbikes and flying Tiger Moth’s for fun. We took his ashed up in a Tiger Moth and chucked them out the window mid loop the loop – most exhilarating! I had a special bond with him and shall miss him deeply.<br/><br/>Mr Mondo Bongo – oooh it certainly does ta love!<br/><br/>Billster – yes – I may well do that – thank you.<br/><br/>Llewtrah – typical! I am sure mine is absolutely worthless now – I heard that around ??20K had been wiped off most pensions…I reckon that is why they are upping my premium all of a sudden – wankers – I’m transferring it if I can – to a pillowcase!<br/><br/>Savmarshmamama – thank you too Sugar – I hope to see you soon xx<br/><br/>Piley – Yes – I get bored of not working – I love anything the Capper does – he’s a genius as far as I am concerned.

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