Rockmother

Cor blimey – had my first dogging experience today. No don’t worry – I wasn’t participating I was parking and minding my own business actually. It was quite exciting. A young couple only four cars in from the entrance to Richmond Station NCP were snogging in the most ridiculous way. Like a comedy spoof literally chewing each others faces off really frantically while both doors to the car were open and unbelievably loud techno music blaring out for all to hear. A few young families went by pushing the buggy that much faster. Me, of course, I slowed down a little bit in order to have a good look. Parked the car and walked back out to the entrance past the car. Damn I thought, they must have gone as I couldn’t hear any music but there sure was some being made I can tell you! The doors were still open as if the car had been abandoned and then I saw a pair of knees pointing towards the dash and a guy with his trousers around his ankles ‘making the beast with two backs’ as it were. Hilarious. And then I really did laugh out loud when I saw the sticker on the back window which said ‘Best Mum In The World On Board’. Yeah probably in about 9 months time the rate they were going. Later when I returned, the car was still there but sadly the doors were locked. I guess they went shopping.

Yes – it’s real. It’s not a spoof. You can buy it.

But why would you want to smell of play doh? They do other flavours too – New Zealand, Celery (now I really am going to puke) Dust, Fuzzy Navel and Sushi amongst others. Do you think they do Bucket to Be Sick In too? Blearrgh.

Got offered a last minute ticket to see Motorhead (more than brilliant), Foo Fighters (brilliant) , Queens of the Stone Age (bit shit), Juliette and The Licks (missed them – damn) in Hyde Park. For me, the main pull was Motorhead – big, loud noise.

We met in the pub first – there were an odd group of older guys next to us – they kept having ‘one last drink’ and then shouting ‘let’s rock’ really enthusiastically – I took a photo of them.

Then off we went – saw this man in the crowd – had to take a photo of him too

then we went here while everyone else went to join the eight mile tailback for as many beers that we could all carry

it was slightly disconcerting that you could drink water out of the chemical toilets!

We headed off and found a spot amongst lots of other people….

and this guy kept standing in front of me which got a bit annoying – until he moved

and I had my friends and a nice cute young man to my right

that’s the cute boy. I think I am old enough to be his mother.

Then we drank more beer and then yes! The dulcet tones of Lemmy came over the PA “wake up everybody you’re all half asleep” big roar, big riff, more beer, lots of leaping around

then he said “turn it up lads – I feel like I’m singing into a sock
then we all cheered and leaped around even more

and yes, I kept my sunglasses on until I got home around 01:30

Despite my whiplash from too much leaping and my friend Michael having to purchase a lumbar support due to wife on shoulders I suppose the hangover could have been worse. Feel so much better today. More photo’s here if you want to see the really stupid ones.

Well, this week’s word I hate most is: BEVERAGE.

It really is a dreadful word. It makes me think of vile, tepid instant coffee with coffee mate in it. Ugh.
“Would you like a hot or cold beverage”? No I wouldn’t – I’d like a cup of tea or just a glass of water please not a bloody hot or cold beverage.

I wiki’d the afore-mentioned word of evil and came up with this:

Beverage was a rock band that played in the Boston area from 1994-2000. Headed by Matthew Magne, it included four incarnations in it’s 6 year history culminating in a a song heard on MTV Roadrules and finally succumbing to the aging of it’s members, marriages, relationships and children.

I can only hope they called their band by that heinous name as a humourous nod to horrid words.

Next Friday: quilt

Mr Mac turned out to be more like this

the one on the left from Mike and the Mechanics than big hairy fat bloke. Yes, he was skinny, yes, he was fast! Wireless all sorted. It’s pathetic but I’m very happy now. He was quite happy too as I made him a cup of tea and marmalade on toast. Oh, and I let him use the loo. Swipe – no rude comments please!

I’ve got Dave Lee Travis coming round next Wednesday morning to sort out my wireless predicament. Well actually I’ve got George from a company called Mac Daddy – bejasus – £100 for first hour and £50 thereafter. He better be quick and good. He sounded fat and hairy on the phone – all I could think of was Dave Lee Travis. No doubt he’ll turn up – thin and gaunt and hairless. It’s just that he told me he was sweating like a bastard. I know. I didn’t really want to hear that. He asked me if I was enjoying the hot weather. I suppose I should have taken a leaf out of his book and gushed “Oh yes, I’m wet all over!” instead I just said ‘making the most of it’ in that typically English ‘oh it won’t last’ sort of way.

Went here yesterday.

The artcarboot fair at Brick Lane. It was very busy and cost a quid to get in. It was ok. Good people watching. That’s about it really. The whole point of it is that you can buy art from artists such as Sarah Lucas,Gavin Turk, Matt Collishaw, Pam Hogg et al for car boot prices. We got there quite late so perhaps missed the ‘bargains’. Was interesting all the same. You could do other things like eat paella (which looked delicious) and get a tattoo or your palm read in a converted routemaster bus. There were some nice clothes and a few rip off merchants like the guy that thought £25 for a tiny hand mirror was a bargain. ‘It’s a nice mirror’ he said ‘Yeah it is’ I said dreamily but also with the air of someone who knows they are being ripped off. ‘Ok’ he said ‘£20 quid’ ‘I think I’ll have a look around first’ I said wandering off towards two young girls eating left over paella out of the bin behind the food stall and then running away laughing.

Then I went to my Dad’s house. This is his kitchen sideboard.

I suggested perhaps another cupboard. It drives his poor partner insane. I think she might be reading this but hopefully she won’t mind! She says she’s going to clear it all out when he goes away. I’m a little bit worried about when he dies as there will be SO much to sort out. He just collects and collects and collects. I mean, how many corkscrews and openers do you need?

Mind you in saying that I have just looked around and my bookshelves aren’t that different – they’re not just loaded with books but other misc items like old tape cassettes (no box – no player anymore come to think of it), bicycle lock (no key), broken tin toy (will never be mended), a broken Greek mask, a fading picture of my best (sadly deceased) friend (I really miss her), 3 highlighter pens and a hole punch (last used 2003 probably). Bloody hell – I’m a chip off the old block!

Well bless him. love him, can’t ignore him the dear Bob Swipe of Swipe Towers of Rothergavenny on the A78 (just past the Happy Eater and the AA Obesity World Exhibition 2006 sign turn off) – 3rd bungalow on left with ornamental alsatians on exterior wall is hanging up his callipers for good. Go and give him a goodbye message or sign the petition for Bring Back Swipe – we need to otherwise I am out of a job – I have been his faithful Area State Co-ord for oh, at least a year now. We met at a self-help group for battered cod in Rhyl.

Bye Bob. We’ll miss you. Mwah! Mwah!

Christ e-bay is dull. I made the dumba mistake of putting something on for a quid thinking – that’ll get them going – and it will go for lots and lots (finger to bottom lip, strokes white fluffy cat on lap and throws head back to laugh evilly). No it won’t – it went for bloody £1.70. And then – I clearly stated buyer collect. No they won’t collect – I’ve been enviegled into having some clandestine meeting on the Silverlink platform at Richmond Station tomorrow morning for the handover (aside: no doubt Swipe will be observing undercover from his beige Mini Metro in the disabled section of the carpark). She gets a premium Graco 4-in-1 Travel System (pram thing) and I get a postal order for £1.70. Oh woopie bloody doo! But…it is all in a good cause and I suppose I don’t mind as I found out that she has 6 kids one of which (the teenage daughter) is pregnant. She also told me that her neice (also a teenager – ooh the youth of today!) had just had a miscarriage and they wanted to try again so between them the £1.70 bargain will be worth its weight in gold.

I arranged that today in between meeting my very tall (6’7″) dear friend Alex for lunch and then taking secret pictures of crack addicts outside a drop-in centre in Endell St while we had a coffee. I don’t know why I did it but I did. Probably for the same inexplicable reason that I always manage to make eye contact with weirdo’s on the street. Just can’t help it. Alex then made me go and see a clairvoyant Tarot reader man called Jan at Mysteries in Monmouth St. He said my aura colour was very yellow and that I had a fantastic relationship – full of devotion and love. I had to eventually correct him and tell him that actually I am teetering on the brink of separation/divorce (not married but same scenario’ish). I then managed to pick the Death card to signify my other half. I nearly laughed out loud and did sort of smirk as Mr Reader looked very uncomfortable about this. And then he basically told me to do what I was doing already – biding my time, trying hard and not quite giving up yet blah blah blah. I was marginally more concerned about a work proposition I’ve had lately and he said ‘oh yes – just go ahead and do it’. Great. Thanks. Really glad I just parted with £30 to be completely misread and then hastily told what I sort of already know.

We then headed of to the windy shores of the South Bank for, in my case, a massive glass of Montepulciano. Only just thawing out. We sat outside and it was freezing. Didn’t tell the other half about tarot or taking pictures of crackheads as he just wouldn’t get it. Reception when I got home on a scale of 1-5 was a cool lower 3. Marginally better than it has been of late….

intensive!
Originally uploaded by rockmother.

If anyone is reading this blog which I’m sure they are not as I do note pop-pickers that not one of you has offered to help me with my wireless predicament. It’s really easy – it’s just that I can’t do it. Oh alright – £150 cash then but no more. At this rate – perhaps I will end up here?

Can anybody actually explain what ‘intensive day care’ is? I have visions of earnest care-workers dealing with elderly people in a really tortured, intense way. ‘Ok – cup of tea? I said cup of tea? It’s really hot it’s really hot – quick – drink it . That’s it DRINK. Ohmygod you’ve burnt your tongue. Ok. That’s it. Everybody out, everybody out.

Bless the Richmond Social Services and Housing Team for coming up with that sign. Is it different from the normal Day Care Centre I wonder? What do you do at a Day Care Centre anyway? My granny used to go to one to help look after all the ‘old boys’. Most of them were younger than her. Maybe she was looking for a septegenarian toyboy? Intense.